Real Housewives

My best friend Christine lives in Kentucky (we met in college when we both lived in California). She's pretty much one of the funniest people I know. She's witty, cleaver, thoughtful, and sharp as a tack. Most of what she says makes me laugh until I cry. And I know she's funny to other people, because Dave once told me "Christine is the funniest person I know," and he meant it. (Now that's a pretty high-bar for my Colbert-watching-husband.)

But, I digress.

The reason I mention Christine is that when we moved to Salt Lake City and she came to visit she said, "Wow--this is Deseret Housewives on Hysterial Lane here in Utah."

I thought that was hilarious. Deseret Housewives on Hysteria Lane. THAT Christine is clever, I tell ya!

Honestly, I think she originally thought of it as a mere play on words . . .

but the more I've thought about it, and the more I've seen how housewives all over the US are hitting the airwaves--Real Housewives of OC, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Real Housewives of NY, and soon-to-be Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo Network)--the more I've realized there may be something to Christine's mere play on words.

So much so, that I've started writing (and copyrighting).

And I'm hoping/thinking there may be some legs to this idea. Maybe, just maybe, people would be interested in reading/seeing what "real" housewives are like in the Great State of Deseret? (And I don't mean in the traditional sense of this series--infidelity--but in a real "day in the life" sense.)

And what better place to search for storylines than right here in Daybreak, on my own street of Hysteria Lane?

So, I hope you'll amuse me over the next few weeks by reading some of my storylines and ideas. I'd love your input/feedback/criticism as I plow through it. I'm planning to link to them from the blog.

Oh! And if you live on or near Hysteria Lane, please don't worry about called on the carpet. I plan to write about more than my experiences--and eventually include chapters from other wives' points of view (their Hyteria Lanes). And I'm changing names, of course. So, talk to me!

Here are just a few of the rough storylines so far. (Please note, this is probably more like Historical Fiction. Embellished stories, based on fact.)

* Hairy Situation:
Housewife A and B are talking one day when Housewife B realizes Housewife A has a mustache. Housewife B then spends day obsessed with upper lips (housewives at grocery store, shoe store, fast-food place, and at the park...). Her conclusion: everyone has a hair-lip! Which leads Housewife B to realize, she must be part-Sasquatch, too! Story includes Housewife B's attempt to remove said-hairlip without having to visit a beauty salon and further embarrass herself. Ends with Housewife B feeling pretty successful and hair-free, chatting on the porche with another Housewife (C)--until Housewife C asks "what in the Sam Heck happened to your lip?" Includes continued run-ins with Housewife A--even after she moves off Hysteria Lane (note: hairlip still in tact).

* Scaredy Cat:

Hysteria Lane heats up with a neighborhood "bon-fire." Summertime. Kids playing. Bikes and skateboards everywhere. Families visiting. Hot dogs and marshmallows on sticks. Pets roaming. Norman Rockwell moment. Housewife Y, late to bon-fire--out running errands--pulls down street and parks car sideways in order to visit with bon-fire neighbors. After about an hour, Housewife Y decides to pull car back into own driveway, off of street--and unknowningly runs over neighborhood kitten--with Kids A-Z as eyewitnesses. Story includes chaos after accident (Husbands scramble to spare kids the details--"I have a shovel." Burial plans--"my trashcan is empty." Grief-stricken Housewife Y locks self in bathroom. Other Housewives try to coax her out--"don't worry, they didn't have to use the shovel."). Ends with Housewife Z hosing down street/cat remains (while wearing a baby backpack--with baby in it!).

* Doggone It!
A new housing development means very few finished backyards--and even fewer fences! With more than 10 small pooches roaming the street at any given time, Hysteria Lane has a pet problem. More importantly, the Housewives have one helluva time managing the problem--the "puppy love" ("mom, the dogs are jumping on each other"), dog fights, dog bites ("your dog thought my daughter's leg was a hamburger"), and of course, all the dog c#*p!

* Dinner Swap.

In an effort to save time and still provide families with a home-cooked meal, a few housewives decide to start a "dinner swap" group. This involves each Housewife making a freezer meal for 5 other housewives--and then swapping once a week. Target cost per meal and serving sizes are negotiated. All the housewives agree. They're excited; it's the perfect plan! And if all goes according to said-plan, each housewife will have a week of meals prepared in just one night. Story includes details about the preparation (How to make chicken dumplings for 5 families of 6. Who has that many pans?) . . . AND the post-dinner-swap chatter:

--"Mom! I'm not eating anything with creamcheese." Great, because all 5 meals use cream cheese as the base.

--"Could you stand that olive frittata? I mean, no one's family would eat that!"

--"Does she really think a half-pound meatloaf will feed a family of 6?"

--"Oh no! I think I forgot to put the seasoning in each of the meals I MADE!"

Story ends with each Housewife having a freezer full of meals their family won't eat.

To be continued . . .